You don't follow football. The pub does, though.
Onsider hands you exactly what to say before you walk in — fact-checked lines, the one name everyone's saying tonight, and how to say it out loud without your voice giving you away. Your whole brief takes about as long as queuing for a round.
Brief incoming. We'll email you the moment Onsider goes live — and not a word before. Until then, keep nodding. Stand by.
Free to download · No account · No sign-up · £1.99 once to go ad-free.
Built for the rest of us — the ones who get dragged into football chat with nothing to say.
"Their shape looked far more settled in the second half — that's what turned it."
Why it works
Sounds like something a real fan would notice. Checked against the record — the real fact's on the back of the card.
Safe to saySaturday. The pub. Someone turns to you, mid-pint, and says the name everyone's been saying all week — then waits.
You nod. You always nod.
This is the part where you usually change the subject.
The conversation is already happening. You've got nothing.
A big tournament is on. The office is talking about it, the pub is showing it, the group chat won't stop, and "did you see it last night?" has become a perfectly normal way to say hello. You don't hate football — you just never learned the language. And every conversation now carries the same quiet dread: the direct question you can't answer, the blank face, the "you don't watch football, do you?"
The mispronounced name
One name dominates the whole night, and everyone says it the same confident way. Say it your way and you're instantly made. It is the fastest tell there is — quicker than wearing the wrong colours.
The confident wrong answer
Googling in the toilets gives you facts, not lines you can say. Asking a general chatbot risks something invented — and a confidently wrong fact is worse than silence.
Saying nothing at all
Stay quiet and you become furniture. You're in the room, holding a drink, technically present — but the conversation is happening somewhere just to the left of you.
You're not the only one faking it.
A rough head-count of who else is quietly nodding along this summer:
- The office watch-party conscript. Didn't ask to be there. Has a paper plate, a warm drink, and roughly forty minutes before someone asks what they thought of the back four.
- The in-law on matchday. Three generations, one television, and a strong family opinion about a manager you have never heard of. Smiling is no longer enough.
- The date who oversold it. Said "yeah, I follow it a bit" three weeks ago. The bill for that sentence has now arrived.
- The colleague trapped in the Monday debrief. The whole office is replaying the weekend. You spent the weekend not watching. The clock is ticking toward your turn to speak.
Three steps. About sixty seconds.
Onsider works like a field manual, not a sports app. You set the mission; it hands you the brief. No fixtures, no formations homework, no pretending you've cared since 2011.
Set your mission
Tell it the occasion — the pub, the office, a watch party — who the crowd supports, and your goal: Survive, Converse, or Impress.
Get your briefing
Fact-checked lines for the actual match. The one name to drop tonight, with pronunciation. Your cover identity — and the teams you must never praise.
Go live
When the talking starts, one tap launches the panic deck — one glanceable line at a time, phone resting innocently on your knee. AirPods in? Whisper Mode reads them into your ear, so you can look thoughtful instead of looking at your screen. Nobody needs to know.
Everything you need to be in the room. Nothing you don't.
No scores. No league tables. No stats grids. No homework, no fixtures, no four-year backlog to catch up on. Just the few things that get you through the conversation with your dignity — and your cover — intact.
Lines you can actually say
Every line comes from a hand-curated corpus, checked against reliable football sources. The on-device AI varies how a line is phrased — it's designed never to invent the facts.
85 player legends · 135 teams · all grounded in the real match.
Never mispronounce the big name
See it spelled out phonetically, hear it played back, and say it like you've said it a hundred times — not like you're reading it off the back of a cereal box. It's the single fastest way to get caught, so it's the first thing we fix.
104 phonetic pronunciations for the names that decide a night.
A one-tap panic deck
Dark, glanceable, one line at a time, phone half-hidden under the table like contraband. A HIDE blackout for when someone leans over, and an EXTRACT line for when you'd very much like to be anywhere else.
One tap from your Home Screen — even mid-sentence.
A cover tailored to your crowd
Name who the crowd supports and Onsider derives a safe cover identity from a 135-team rivalry graph — plus the short, important list of teams you must never, under any circumstances, praise in this room.
Survive, Converse, or Impress — you set the depth.
Offline-first, AirPods-ready
Whisper Mode reads lines straight into your ear, and the whole brief works with zero signal — built for the dead-zone pub. There's an Apple Watch app and Lock Screen widgets too.
Apple Watch · widgets · matchday countdown on your Lock Screen.
Live scores in the countdown — coming soon
No account. No tracking.
No sign-up, no telemetry, no third-party analytics. Your mission stays on your device, the ads are non-personalised, and we keep nothing about you — there is no file on you, because nobody opened one.
Nothing to log in to. Nothing to delete. Nothing to leak.
A look inside the kit
No football photos. No league tables. No homework. Just the brief, the bluff, the one name and how to say it, and the way out — on a phone you can half-hide under the table.
[Awaiting real user feedback]
[Awaiting real user feedback — the moment a line lands and the conversation moves on.]
[Awaiting real user feedback]
[Reviewer][honest descriptor — with consent]
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[Reviewer][honest descriptor — with consent]
[Awaiting real user feedback]
[Reviewer][honest descriptor — with consent]
Free to download. £1.99 once. That's the whole story.
No subscription. No account. No premium tier hiding the good stuff. Buy once, cancel nothing.
Most apps want a monthly fee, forever, for less. Onsider asks for £1.99, once, and only if the ads start to bother you. That's the entire pitch.
Free
£0
Every feature · a few polite ads
- Full briefings & bluff cards
- GO LIVE panic deck & Whisper Mode
- Cover identities & pronunciation guide
- Apple Watch app & widgets
- Complete offline field manual
- Light, non-personalised banner ads
Ad-Free
£1.99 one-time
Everything above, no ads, forever
- Everything in Free
- No ads, anywhere, permanently
- One-time purchase — no subscription
- Restores free on any new device
- Buy once, cancel nothing
Your brief is ready
Walk in knowing your two lines, the name, and how to say it.
The tournament's on, and the conversations have already started. Sixty seconds of setup and you're in the room instead of outside it — not pretending to be a fan, just knowing enough and saying it well.
Brief incoming. We'll email you the moment Onsider goes live — and not a word before. Until then, keep nodding. Stand by.
Free to download · No account · No sign-up · £1.99 once to go ad-free.
Frequently asked questions
How much does it cost?
Free to download, with a few light, unobtrusive ads. A one-time £1.99 purchase removes them permanently. No subscription, no monthly anything, nothing to forget to cancel in eleven months — buy once, cancel nothing.
Do the facts come from AI? Can I trust them?
The lines come from a hand-curated corpus that's checked against reliable football sources — 85 player legends, 135 teams, 104 pronunciations. The on-device AI only varies how a line is phrased; it's designed never to invent facts. Nobody can promise perfection, but getting caught with a made-up stat is exactly what Onsider is built to prevent.
How is this different from just asking a chatbot?
A general chatbot will confidently hand you something invented — and a confidently wrong fact is how you get caught. Onsider's lines are curated and fact-checked in advance, grounded to the actual match, formatted to be said out loud, and available offline mid-conversation with one tap. A chatbot is a search engine. Onsider is a field manual.
How is my data handled?
It isn't collected. No accounts, no telemetry, no third-party analytics. Your mission setup stays on your device, and the ads are non-personalised — the app doesn't track you, full stop. We couldn't sell your data if we wanted to, because we never wrote any of it down. Burn after use.
Do I need a connection at the pub?
No. Onsider is offline-first — your briefing, the panic deck, the reference library, and the Apple Watch app all work on zero signal. Built, specifically, for the one corner of the pub where nothing else does.
I actually like football a bit. Is this still for me?
Yes — set your goal to Converse or Impress and the briefings go deeper: genuinely interesting material to drop into the conversation, not just survival lines. No judgement here. Your secret, like everything else in the app, stays on your device.
What devices does it work on?
iPhone (iOS 26.4 or later), with an Apple Watch companion, Lock Screen and Home Screen widgets, and a matchday countdown for your Lock Screen and Dynamic Island. Live scores in the countdown are coming soon.
I need help, or I've found a bug. Who do I talk to?
Email support@onsider.app. Onsider is made by one person, so it's a human reading every message — no ticket bots, no call centre, no hold music. Every email is read.